What Is the Inner Game? A guide for parents of neurodivergent children
On a damp Sunday morning, I watched a young player quietly getting ready for their match. They had done everything “right” - warmed up, checked their bag, and found their place on the court. Just before they walked to the baseline, an adult called them back with a last‑minute reminder about water.
It was meant kindly. For this child, who was already in their “focus zone”, the interruption was enough to shake them. You could see the tension in their shoulders. It took several games for them to settle again.
Moments like this look small on the outside and feel huge on the inside. They are part of what I call the inner game - the mental and emotional world your child carries with them into every match, lesson, and training session.
What do I mean by “inner game”?
When we think about sport, we usually picture the outer game: scores, skills, tactics, league tables. The inner game is quieter and harder to see. It includes:
What your child is saying to themselves in their head
The emotions bubbling away - nerves, dread, excitement, pride
The physical reactions - shaky hands, butterflies, heavy legs
All of this can either support performance or quietly get in the way of it.
We don’t need formulas to understand this. If a child is overloaded, panicking, or bracing for criticism, less of their true ability can show. When they feel safe, understood, and steady enough, more of their potential can come through.
Why parents matter so much.
Many parents tell me, “I’m just on the sideline - the coach is the expert.” Coaches are important. But time and again, research and experience show that parents have a huge influence on how children feel about sport.
Your child is watching you:
Before a match, do you look tense or quietly calm?
During play, what happens on your face when they make a mistake?
Afterwards - is this a safe space to tell the truth about how it felt?
Supportive involvement is not about being endlessly cheerful or pretending everything is fine. It’s about being steady. Showing that your relationship does not depend on today’s score.
For neurodivergent children and young people, that steadiness can be especially powerful. The world may already feel unpredictable and noisy. You can be their anchor.
Neurodivergent brains and the inner game
Neurodiversity reminds us that there is no single “normal” way for a brain to work. Many children and young people in sport are autistic, have ADHD, dyspraxia, dyslexia, dyscalculia, Tourette’s Syndrome, or other profiles, whether formally diagnosed or not.
They might:
· Experience sound, light, or crowd noise much more intensely.
· Need more predictability and extra time to process instructions.
· Look calm on the outside while feeling overwhelmed on the inside.
· Depend on routines or sensory tools (headphones, a hoodie, an object) to feel safe.
For these athletes, “just relax” usually isn’t helpful. Instead, we can build practical supports around them so that their inner game becomes more manageable, not more chaotic.
A simple picture to hold in mind
In my book, I describe an Inner Game Pyramid - five levels that build on each other: support systems, emotional awareness, emotional regulation, coping with setbacks, and problem‑solving and focus.
You don’t have to fix everything at once. Small, consistent steps make a real difference.
Three small ideas you can try this week
1. Agree on a simple match‑day routine together:
Write it down or use pictures: pack bag, travel, warm‑up, quiet time, “all ready” signal. Keep it predictable so your child knows what is coming next.
2. Choose one steady phrase:
A line you will use every time, regardless of the result. For example: “I love watching you play,” or “Whatever happens, we’ll figure it out together.”
3. Change your first question after the sport:
Instead of “Did you win?”, try “How did it feel out there?” or “What’s one thing you’re proud of today?” This gently tells your child that their experience matters as much as the score.